TWITTER DERBY
INT. DEBATE HALL — NIGHT
CNN moderator ANDERSON COOPER sits at a desk in front of an auditorium.
ANDERSON COOPER
Hello and good evening. I'm Anderson Cooper and tonight CNN has decided in this age of hashtag no attention span to shorten the debate to a Twitter derby in which the contestants, sorry, I mean, opponents, can only give their responses in 280 characters or less. I mean, fewer. Is it fewer or is it less? Nobody knows. Who cares? It's just stupid grammar. Anyway, as I was saying, we are here at the Twitter Derby tonight between President Donald Trump—
When Anderson Cooper says DONALD TRUMP's name, the camera focuses on Trump nodding and gripping his podium. He does a solid thumbs up.
ANDERSON COOPER (CONT'D)
—and Best-selling Self-Help author Marianne Williamson, because even though there is no way she's going to be president, this is really the debate, I mean Twitter derby, we secretly all want to see.
At MARIANNE WILLIAMSON's invocation, the camera pans to her, fully dressed in goddess garb, seated on the podium in lotus position, meditating, crystals glued to her forehead and décolletage. She wears a crown sprouting moons and stars that dangles and bobbles every time she moves her head.
ANDERSON COOPER (CONT'D)
Let's start with opening statements. Mr. Trump?
DONALD TRUMP
I'm going to win the Twitter Derby because I'm the greatest tweeter on earth. Nobody twitters like I tweet. Or tweets like I twitter. I'm the King of America, I mean, Twitter. Everybody bow down to me.
ANDERSON COOPER
Ms. Williamson?
Marianne meditates on another planet.
ANDERSON COOPER
MS. WILLIAMSON!!!!?
Marianne flitters her eyes open, beaming a huge smile.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
If you want a simple explanation of what's happening in America today, watch AVATAR again. James Cameron should win the Nobel prize. Seriously. We're all turning blue in the face holding our breaths to see what this nincompoop will do next.
Trump scowls.
ANDERSON COOPER
Let's start with our first topic: what do you plan to do about income inequality? Ms. Williamson?
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
I was laying awake in my bed one night worrying about something, when a voice in my heart said, "Marianne, most people in the world do not have beds." It was quite an eye-opener.
ANDERSON COOPER
Mr. Trump?
DONALD TRUMP
Nothing.
ANDERSON COOPER
Nothing? Mr. President, people all across America are struggling to pay for simple, everyday expenses like food and healthcare.
DONALD TRUMP
I don't care. How can I be rich if other people aren't poor?
ANDERSON COOPER
Homelessness is at an all time high.
DONALD TRUMP
And so is the stock market.
Trump gives two big thumbs up and punches the air with them.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
In our sociopathic economy, the strong prey on the weak and nobody does a thing. I plan to remedy this by soul exploding beyond the confines of my mortal self. Only then will we glimpse the truth of who we are and why we're here.
DONALD TRUMP
I'm here to promote myself.
ANDERSON COOPER
Um, nobody is unaware of that, sir. (Beat) Mr. President, I'd like to pin down what your actual philosophy on healthcare is. In the early 2016 primaries, you championed a medicare-for-all-like scenario, then you shifted to saying people would buy policies across state lines to increase competition and bring down prices, now you just seem hell-bent on repealing Obamacare and all coverage of pre-existing conditions with no safety net in place. We'd all like to know: what's your actual position?
DONALD TRUMP
I'm supposed to have a position?
Trump moons the audience with a big prosthetic butt.
DONALD TRUMP
That's my position.
ANDERSON COOPER
Ms. Williamson?
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
I am now going to make the most salient points about healthcare you've ever heard in any presidential debate by mentioning that the bad health outcomes in America are intimately related to our government's food policy, but I'm going to couch it in spiritual mumbo jumbo so that nobody actually pays attention to the substance of what I'm saying. Peace to the goddess of the moon buffalo.
ANDERSON COOPER
That was over 280 characters.
DONALD TRUMP
Score! I win!
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
I was creating a Twitter thread—
TRUMP looks dejected.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
—through the morphic field of love, from which will emerge new possibilities for life on earth.
ANDERSON COOPER
That seems like a good segue into environmental policy.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
I am a strong proponent of the Green New Deal.
DONALD TRUMP
My golf courses are green. As everybody knows. I have great golf courses. Very green. The best color green. But I am a strong proponent of marble, gilt mirrors, and escalators as well.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
And I want to remind everyone that the mind is so powerful, if we all work together, we can think rain.
DONALD TRUMP
While we are on the subject of my golf courses, I'd like to take a moment to plug my newest venture, I'm releasing a spoken word album with all of my greatest hits.
TRUMP pulls out a vinyl record album. The picture on the cover is him wearing his red MAGA hat.
DONALD TRUMP
It includes 17 Angry Democrats, Fake News, Mexico's Gonna Pay for It, Lock Her Up, Crowd Size, Rigged Witch Hunt, MS-13, Trump Derangement Syndrome and Collusion is not a crime but it doesn't matter because there was no collusion. Did I just go over 280?
ANDERSON COOPER
Yes.
DONALD TRUMP
Then that's a thread.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
While I siphon debate time away from actual contenders, you can support me financially by going to my website and purchasing any of my books which include A Year of Miracles, Healing the Soul of America, and Illuminata.
DONALD TRUMP
I knew you were part of the left-wing elite devil-worshipping illuminati! Knew it!
ANDERSON COOPER
Because we are running short on time, I'd like each of you to sum up your candidacy in a short, interpretive dance. Mr. President, why don't you start?
Trump twerks his butt in circles, bumping it left and right, as he takes out some foam bricks and builds them up and across his podium to the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall. He finishes and applauds himself.
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
This is my ode to all those stuck and hurting Americans out there who are hungering to sprout wings.
Marianne Williamson does a weird pigeon-peacock strut and fans her arms around like she's sprouting feathers to Katy Perry's Peacock. And she does! SHE ACTUALLY SPROUTS BEAUTIFUL PEACOCK PLUMAGE! Donald Trump looks beaten. He throws his bricks down.
DONALD TRUMP
Impressive. A 7. Maybe an 8. I'd give her a 9 if she were 20 years younger.
ANDERSON COOPER
Well that's one way of someone giving you the bird. I believe Ms. Williamson has been crowned tonight's champion. Maybe hope really is a thing with feathers. Goodnight everybody and—
ANDERSON COOPER, MARIANNE WILLIAMSON, DONALD TRUMP
—live from New York, it's Saturday night!